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12 steppers and dead junkies (Part 1 of "The Drug Years")

by Paul Roessler

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1.
Christopher Behind the 8-ball When past panic’s stormy capes I sailed into the nether shoals Lo, beneath the scrutiny Of the sailors long gone down before “Abandon ship! Abandon ship! They cried to me “all hope is lost!” On, sail on, have faith the world is round And no one here will be there to care If it should prove that I am wrong. The Tropic of Delirium The seagull sings and mermaids strum A symphony of seashell strings Crystal gin and pirate rum I almost wound up on the rocks But spied in time the drunken sun On, sail on, have faith the world is round And no one here will be there to care If it should prove that I am wrong. The sea becalmed like a looking glass Playing craps we sat still fast And mumbly-peg with the captain’s leg Man, he looks like a fillet I think we might be sorry yet, boys Everyone place your last bets On, sail on, have faith the world is round And no one here will be there to care If it should prove that I am wrong.
2.
Poor Sunshine Shrinking the violet bleeds hot lemonade And gaze blackly out on the lucky parade Sun raining down, god bless the shade Where the dogs all gather for panting Turning the burning orb screams with a wink “Fire for all and nothing to drink” And wrestling with the nighttime he loses and sinks Singing: “Darkness for all your crying” And my poor old sunshine is dying So sickness he reigns his jubilant feat And rides the poor saddle boys, Davy and Pete A cold summer week on Malaria street Where sleep is the only releasing And my poor old sunshine is still breathing Trumpet by Stan Martin
3.
Treatise and Manifesto on "E" Evil is everywhere my dear Surely you’ve seen him He lives in your shadow On your shoulder in your ear You expect him to be regal And at times he is all that But more often he’s a slouching Little rat in your bathroom mirror Sometimes he masquerades As the village idiot Too stupid to be dangerous But with a bent Toward accident And oh, your life has been A fairy tale till now, dear, hasn’t it? You never swung on the trapeze without A safety net You magnified your tiny teacup tempests Till they were something huge and wet You had to write a little fiction Or you’d be nothing And like all clueless souls like you You’re not getting any of this, really, are you? Well comprehend this one thing dear And I will take my leave And wander with my ragged friends On down through life’s little dream: In all your fucked up glory In all your stinking greed In all your pathetic misery And unconscious savagery You are the most evil one this one has ever seen
4.
Tomorrow’s Yesterday Somewhere in a rosy past I might have made up Its blurring fast Into perfect days and better nights Now no one ever has such times Do we erase the bad and magnify The sunshine and the blue skies Till it burns a hole right through today And leaves it all more tinged with grey Remember, today is just another day Could have been a better day Still tomorrow’s yesterday If you can make it past Today is just another day Not as bad as some other days Still tomorrow’s yesterday And it won’t be the last All horizons seem so flat But the world turns no less for that And when I carry a heavy weight They seem like they could crack and break But when I’m full of hope and light Horizons just stretch out of sight I guess it’s all a part of me The dark and light and in between Remember, today is just another day Could have been a better day Still tomorrow’s yesterday If you can make it past Today is just another day Not as bad as some other days Still tomorrow's yesterday And it won't be the last
5.
Mud in the Unblinking Eye Gentlemen a toast To all the rabbits and the goats The animals and cannibals The goblins and the ghosts The vision of the blindest And the wisdom of the mindless Drink to the health Of the men of fame and wealth Amassing bloody fortunes With art and guile and stealth Glittering lost treasures Collecting dust upon their shelves Raise your glass high To the black head in the sky Here’s mud in his unblinking eye Drink up, drink up Drain your cup! Look under rocks tirelessly Uncover secrets Taste the pain that saves Yeah, take it to your grave Lie in the bed you made Be mystical, be quizzical And when it blows, invisible Raise your glass high To the black head in the sky Here’s mud in his unblinking eye Drink up, drink up Drain your cup!
6.
Swimming Upstream Playing in the tiny tiny microscopic The blind myopic Where little little grains of sand Seem to tower like crystal mountains Trapped inside the millisecond lengthy lives Undirected Shadowed by the greatest men Of history we just pretend and Swimming Upstream You’ve got to fight the current or you’re Just a dream So you stay seconds slip away And you’re pretty evil Just to pay your way With a murder here And a dead sea there (Where?) No one sees and no one cares Ride a slow descending spiral Never ending into fire Poison sunshine glowing rain Doesn’t matter Everyone’s insane Swimming Upstream You’ve got to fight the current or you’re Just a dream
7.
Self Afflicted Of all the weird highlights in a strange and comic life This latest stretch of treachery has got a special bite To turn and face the villain and to find him in my shoes And staring out from behind my eyes like a bearer of bad news I want to scream at you I want to dream at you I want to blame you for all the self inflicted shit I'm going through A thousand shaking hands they try to write the words A thousand lies turn around and bite like some family curse And laughing hard we clutch our hearts as they tick their last tock But like statues we go on solid as a rock I want to scream at you I want to dream at you I want to blame you for all the self inflicted shit I'm going through
8.
Ready 04:52
Ready If you ever read this, know that it was written in a moment of desperation by a man who’d lost all hope of salvation. Surrounded and out of time he picks up his pen and tries to write a farewell message to his friends or a scrawl on the wall to the rest of them. Saying: Does anybody know which way is heaven? Does anybody know how to get there? Can anybody show me the way to heaven? Cause I sure as hell am ready I sure as hell am ready I sure as hell am ready to get the hell out of here. If you ever hear this, know that it was shouted from the bottom of a grave by someone who’s been buried alive, screaming at the people outside: “Put down your shovels I’m not ready to die. You idiots are you all deaf and blind?” (Now let his panic turn to peace as angels singing sweet relief carry him on snowy wings. From far away you can hear them sing: Does anybody know which way is heaven? Does anybody know how to get there? Can anybody show me the way to heaven? Cause I sure as hell am ready I sure as hell am ready I sure as hell am ready to get the hell out of here.
9.
Our Jesus of Sin {Lyrics by Stephanie Gray) And confusion sets deep your sickness divine Forced to audience witness see the rogue's demise Mother takes the first nail to your silver silken shrine Our Jesus of Sin and all the heavens within Madness and candy pleasure too wide And all stories hero's empty eyes set Controlled and enthralled by your prophetic lies Our Jesus of Sin and all the heavens within Spellbound I still followed glazed in warm secretions Driven us from that forked tongue willing damnation We jury judge you child living on morals and a blind man's lust Our Jesus of Sin and all the heavens within
10.
For Lilith 01:41
For Lilith Now it’s time to make a sacrifice Of your only child Before you draw the blade across her throat Stare into her eyes One last time Sacrifice her to the God of Sex The God of Love The God of Death and Ruin To the God of Lies ‘Cause there’s nothing quite so precious As your damaged soul After all Nothing’s quite so precious as this moment Not the life of any child Not any summer’s mourning glory Not any mountain lost in blinding snow Not twice a thousand years Nothing is as beautiful (Is it?) Nothing is as valuable (Is it?) Nothing is as wonderful As you
11.
Eavesdroppin 03:10
Eavesdroppin’ I hear lockbolts quietly drawn In other rooms of my house Though we have no secrets here The voices are too loud Speaking words so empty Although we are all friends We’re sometimes not so friendly But we always kiss and make up again And the more I need you The farther I drift away Well I’m trying not to eavesdrop On two conversations at once Neither one too friendly Both of them been going on for months Neither one quite grasped Over the TV’s roar Both of them quite drowning out The endearments that I heard before A lot of words so empty Although we are all friends We’re sometimes not so friendly But we always kiss and make up again And the more I need you The farther I drift away Y’know we have no secrets here But we’re sometimes not so friendly Lyrics by Paul Roessler Music by Mark Curry Guitar and bass by Mark Curry Percussion loop Greg Ellis
12.
If Only 04:38
If Only But that the world might end right now With hope still springing just out of reach Yet still alive somehow We make believe, as if, entreat If only that sleeping wish so dreamt That vision we let slip squander lost and spent Unfulfilled fulfilling We’d kissed and kept So Maybe So Treasured Became Ours Forever A languorous touch Unrealized A yearning kept Chained inside So possible and yet not Horizons we found and then forgot By finding So Maybe So Treasured Became Ours Forever
13.
Crime Paying Now They’re freaking at the meeting They’re taking quite a beating Someone’s getting jacked today I think I best be leaving Horace looks out nervously And locks his windows furtively But he’s pulled it off so perfectly All syrupy, he’s rated G Down at the monastery The covers turn and twist Someone’s giving in again To what they’ve been told to resist But down there in the darkness A child of love is born Only to be slaughtered Early the next morning The albatross is in the ointment That greased the screaming wheel And every stinking day is like another Wound that doesn’t heal Because inside of everyone There’s a tiny little son of a gun Who loves to ramble and to roam And can’t leave well enough alone Spoken word by Greg Hurley
14.
Lucifer Falling Looking back on terminal bliss I was hiding from the source of all this Raging fire through our wire the days that hide our eyes in mist The times they fight us the dogs that bite us the smiles that lie right through the pain And the sense of wonder as we discover nothing ever stays the same And just when you think you’ve grabbed an answer she reminds you nothing’s that sure You can fill your heart with promises but promises are just tinkling laughter Sometimes you’re gonna fail but sometimes you’re gonna sail Sometimes you’re gonna be Lucifer falling out of my heaven Going to your midnight mass walking blind on starlight glass Gladly fall down to your knees but church words don’t echo down your street Instead they trickle ripple tiny shining drops of heartbreak hope Swimming through the city sewers Past the peaceful sleeping windows Sometimes I’m gonna fail but sometimes I’m gonna sail Sometimes I’m gonna be Lucifer falling out of your heaven
15.
To Feed the Flow and the Raw Surge (Lyrics by Stephanie Gray) A soul can withstand each blow for only so long Misery can wither chill you so alone Carry you to nowhere and you battle no further Elements dictate your broken body stroll Yesterday's game the heat you distrust And weaker and withered seek out ancient days child you lost Where nothing is dreamt of is all Open armed defenseless wounds bared You stalk distanced weapon nearby Shaded dusky eyelids prepare to fall Time can weather toll taken no damage fathomed can fatal or heal As one you hold trophy torment waiting treachery from my hand to deal Soft submission side broken volatile child visualize answers yet as rapidly lost they flee And you, your shaded dusky eyelids prepare to fall You feed into that flow you know
16.
Suicide 03:27
Suicide Words and music by Glenn Brown Somethings always itching you and who do you go bitching to? And how come I'm the lucky one that's sharing your idea of fun You remind me of a cough I had I couldn't shake it really bad A clever plan just crossed my mind a way to leave my pain behind Suicide why don't you try Suicide at least one try It's not because I love you, it's just the way I want you I'll drive or walk you anywhere I've got to get you out of my hair I'll give you all the tools you need I want this for you desperately Give me a big wet kiss goodbye I hope you're strong enough to die Suicide why don't you try Suicide at least one try Instruments by Paul Roessler and Geza X Produced by Geza X
17.
Caving In 04:55
Caving In   If all of the things that she says are true I should let her go... But I can't believe I was really that bad Was feeling so happy there Feeling like I was beating my demons there Feeling like I was really going somewhere Anywhere But here Nowhere   If all of the things that I've done have really hurt her that bad I should let her go and pay her fare But I can't believe I was really that cruel I was so happy there Feeling like I was finally breathing air Feeling like I could give her everything Something Anything But nothing   Feels like my whole world is caving in Don't even know where to begin All of the stormclouds are rolling in All of the scales are balancing All of the heroes are cashing in And all of us are so afraid of it But no one round here is escaping it And you are my reason for taking it Feels like my whole world is caving in
18.
12 steppers and dead junkies There’s never enough money There’s never enough time There might be a god somewhere But he never sends a sign The church is hypocritical The government’s corrupt There’s a little bit of coffee left I just heated it up There’s never enough chocolate Cigarettes and wine When He dealt you out your cards He had nothing in mind There are certain rumors That need to be dispelled There are certain tumors That should be exorcised and Consigned to hell. There are no half-ways There are no in-betweens Only fairy tale endings We don’t believe 12 steppers and dead junkies. When you add up your earnings Don’t forget your costs When you tally your possessions Don’t forget the things you’ve lost Don’t fall for tricks That people play with words Feed your dried up bread crumbs To the staving birds Don’t fall to your knees For every passing priest If you have belief They want to steal a little piece How much? Who cares? Not me. No way. Are there no half-ways? Are there no in-betweens? Only fairy tale endings We don’t believe 12 steppers and dead junkies

about

These songs were written and recorded mostly in my garage between 1993 and 1995 on various eight-track recording devices. I have entertained the idea of rerecording all the songs under better circumstances; I have rerecorded some of them, occasionally to their benefit but not always.
The truth is, the time has come to release these songs as they are or I will put it off forever, thinking an imaginary day will come when they are all perfect. They will never be perfect.
What they are is packed with sorrow, rage and madness. Not all art has to be filled with those things, I don't demand that. These just come from a time in my life when that was mostly all I had to give. That said, I'm laughing at my predicament at least half the time.
This is the first of four double albums that I collectively refer to as "The Drug Years." I could have maybe been more creative with that name, but there it is.

credits

released February 21, 2021

Painting by me....Layout by Cherish Alexander

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Paul Roessler Los Angeles, California

Paul Roessler is a musician, composer and producer who lives in Los Angeles

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